Mae: The Ultimate Ted Lasso Warm Demander

One of the major themes that runs through my new book, Hugging Porcupines, is that our students need us to be both warm and demanding. The emotional closeness and connection created by warmth allows for personal attachment and connection. The clear firmness of being demanding helps us set a tone of authority, which, when coupled with warmth, creates safety. Kids understand what the limits are and know that we’re strong enough to enforce them.

It can be a tricky balance, though. I was giving an evening parent talk at a school I’m working with, and this was the theme of the talk—building positive adult-child relationships through warmth and demandingness. As I gave several examples (“You can have your 30 minutes of device time once your room is cleaned up.” “You don’t need to eat dinner, but you do need to sit here with the family. If you’re too tired to do that, it’s bedtime.”) one of the parents commented, “Being warm and demanding is less warm than I thought.”

“Being warm and demanding is less warm than I thought.”

It was an astute observation, and people chuckled. I think so many of us are so worried about being nice and making sure that kids (our students or our own children) like us that we struggle with being firm when it’s necessary.

A few nights later, I was watching one of the latest episodes of Ted Lasso, when I noticed a character who can be an incredible warm-demander: Mae, the owner and barmaid of The Crown & Anchor. In Episode 6 of Season 4, she’s warm and demanding twice.

"Take It Out on the Green."

The first time is in a confrontation with the AFC Lady Greyhounds that she’s banned from the pub for the rest of the year because of a bar brawl they were involved in. The team enters the pub at 11:45 on New Year’s Eve, 15 minutes early. Here’s how Mae responds:

Let’s consider two other options Mae could have gone with. She could have been warm and not demanding. She could have welcomed the team back in before midnight, figuring it’s close enough. But if she does, she sends the message that her limits are soft and she’s not really going to follow through.

On the other hand, she could have been demanding but not warm. She could have kicked them out of the pub angrily and told them that because they didn’t listen to her the first time, they were now banned for entire other year. This might lead the team to lose their respect for Mae since she’s being unreasonable. They might never come back.

Instead, Mae was demanding by holding to what she said and not allowing them back in until midnight, but she was also warm. She gave them a soccer ball and told them to play outside.

"Adorable. I'm going to have to dock his wage."

In another scene from the same show, Mae does it again. Ted’s young son, Henry, is working in the bar on New Year’s Eve. Mae’s showing him the ropes and teaching him what to do. Henry is eager and excited, clearly feeling a bit grown up. There’s some banter about whether or not Henry will make it until midnight, and he doesn’t. Here’s the scene where Mae shows Ted and Michelle (Ted’s ex-wife) what happened:

Again, she’s warm and demanding. “Adorable,” she coos, smiling. And then, “I’m going to have to dock his wage.” Perfect. She’s kind and caring and tough as nails.

This is a great goal to have when working with any kid or group of kids, but especially so when working with kids who often struggle with behavior. They need to know that they’re loved and liked and that we’re going to be firm, direct, and tough when they need us to be. So, the next time you need to be warm and demanding, channel your inner Mae!

Are you a huge Ted Lasso fan? If so, check out these other Ted Lasso posts to learn more about what Ted Lasso can teach us about great teaching and learning!

Author

Mike Anderson

A public school teacher for 15 years, Mike has also had many other roles in education: preschool aide, high school and age-group swim coach, camp counselor, graduate class instructor, and Responsive Classroom presenter and developer. He now works as a consultant, providing professional learning for teachers throughout the US and beyond.

As a classroom teacher, Mike was awarded a national Milken Educator Award and was a finalist for NH Teacher of the Year. In 2020, he was awarded the Outstanding Educational Leader Award by NHASCD for his work as a consultant. A best-selling author, Mike has written many books about great teaching and learning. His latest book is Hugging Porcupines: Month-by-Month Strategies to Support Our Most Challenging Students.

When not working, Mike can be found hanging with his family, tending his perennial gardens, sorting baseball cards and searching for new running routes around his home in Durham, NH.

View all posts